Ever since I was little I have loved to sing and play the piano. I have been playing since I was 7 and singing since I was able to make a sound. That's actually the reason for why my blog name is what it is. But also since I was a little kid I have had GAD, there are a lot of people out there who have it so I am not alone, it stands for General Anxiety Disorder. When I was little I had no idea that I had it and did not know that the shaking I felt inside was anxiety, it was just an everyday norm for me. Even though I loved to sing and play the piano I only did it when no one was home, because as much as I loved music my fear of performing in front of people ran deeper
Freshman year was the first year that I realized the attacks I had been having all my life had a name. I joined choir because I liked to sing and I also needed an art credit, but I had still yet to sing in front of anyone. My choir director Mr. Mclean thought it would be a good idea to put people on the spot to check if they actually knew the music, I prayed and prayed that he wouldn't choose me, but he already had his mind made up. He picked me. As soon as he started the song I freaked out; I began shaking, my palms were sweating, I felt like all the tension I kept bottled up was about to burst, and I never felt so light headed. I quickly ran to the bathroom and cried for the rest of the period. At the end of class my old friend, Meghan, came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her everything I felt and she told me that it was called an 'Anxiety attack'. The attacks finally had a name. It might seem silly that as a freshman I still had no idea what those were, but it made sense to me, I had never told anyone about them. I thought they were bad so I made sure that I was the only one that knew about them.
From that day forward with the help of some of my friends I have been pushing through my anxiety to try and perform. The past couple of years I have been able to perform in front of large audiences, due to getting fillers, but they had always been with another person.
This year, my last year of high school, I finally felt I was ready to audition and perform by myself. I prepared a cover of Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black", altering the piano and the key to make it in my range. I felt good about it. The day of filler auditions was rather scattered, I had to pick up these little girls (making me late to rehearsal) and I had tests the next day. So when I went in to audition my choir instructor, who deserves an entire blog post all about him, was rather pissed off (even though I had informed him about this before). I began to play the piano and sing when he started laughing...every part of me wanted to run out and cry, but I kept going. Before I could finish one of the keys fell off the piano! He cut me off and told me I was done. I left feeling defeated and crappy. I knew I had sounded good but I still felt defeated.
We found out on Saturday who got fillers, I was not one of them. I had already felt like I wasn't going to get one, but I did not expect to feel as sad as I did.
You see, this is possibly my last performance ever, before I go to college and try and become a doctor. I know I will not have time to join a choir or really perform, so this felt like my last chance to show people and myself how far I have come. So not getting a filler devastated me.
That Saturday I sat on the bathroom floor and cried for a good hour, after I finished I had never felt so empty. I no longer felt the passion I used to for music, I told myself I was done. I had been trying so hard for years, just as hard as my friends, and failed. I cannot stress how close I was to just giving up and accepting failure.
After talking to Allen I realized how ridiculous I was being. Just because one man didn't feel I deserved something I worked for, DIDN'T mean that it was true. I realized that yes, it was very sad that I would not have "my moment" my last year, but this was not IT. I realized that I can't let someone like Mr. Brown (our infamous director) ruin my passion for music.
I still have so much of myself to work on, but I plan to get better. In college I will go to every open mic night that I can. When I feel like making a cover of a song I will perfect it and record myself, sharing it with a few people. I feel that doing these small things will really help me grow.
So this was my little road block, it may seem small but at the time it was a big deal to me.
