THE SOUND OF ALLYSA

Hello everyone.  I have no idea who will be reading this in the future, or if it will just be for me to look back on when i'm in a similar situation.  

I have never been super transparent on here, or really to too many people, on the state of my mental health and how I care for it.  But in this day and age I think it is important for people to not feel alone.

Since I was little I have had spells of panic, where I would curl up in a ball and just cry.  Cry about something that I couldn't understand.  When I was 13 years old an incident happened which caused me to have panic attacks daily, only to decrease to a few times a week as the year went on. When I was 14 I finally told my mother about everything going on, because I didn't understand it.  After going to the doctor I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, something I know many people have to deal with.

Years went by and I would ignore the shortness of breath and sweaty palms I would experience regularly.  Finally after years I figured out how to know when a panic attack was coming on and how to control it.

After my freshman year of college after another incident had occurred, I began to spiral, I would have fits of panic and shortness of breath.  My roommate and family noticed that I wasn't acting how I normally would.  For nearly a year I tried to push everything down, I wouldn't tell anyone how I was feeling.  Even being in a relationship at the time, I never said anything.  I would slap a smile on my face and go on with my day.  It wasn't until December of this past year that my anxiety was as bad as it had been when I was 13.  From December up until a few weeks ago I constantly felt anxious, angry and just over all confused about my emotions.  For the past semester, summer, and beginning of the year I had panic attacks, nightmares, difficulty falling asleep, and days where I just really couldn't get out of my room.  

I had started to realize during the summer that it might be a good idea to start going back to therapy, but also the thought of it scared me.  I have been to therapy in the past, but coming face to face with my emotions has always been difficult for me.  But as the semester came around I decided that I could no longer avoid it.

So what is the point of this post?  The point, is that if by the off chance someone comes across this and is going through something similar, to let them know that they aren't alone.  Also, I know that at some point or another I will have times where I am feeling like this again.  

Lately, I have been feeling better.  Of course, I have bad days where I have panic attacks or nights where I wake up from a nightmare, but in general I can feel myself getting better.

 Anyone going through something similar, I really urge going to therapy.  It has taken me a few times, and a going through different therapists, but it really is helping.  Therapy really gives you an outside perspective, which can help you with anything.  Talking to friends and family is important also, but sometimes its good for a trained professional to step in and help you.

Another thing, this summer I was finally able to talk to my cousin about everything going on in my head.  I have no siblings, so my dallas family is the closest I have.  Finally being open with someone in my family again really helped me mentally.  

Another thing I have been trying to do is really balance out how much I'm alone and how much I'm with people.  Because being with people too much allows me to completely avoid whats going on in my head.  But too much alone time is when I start to overthink and overanalyze and just think too much.  So finding this balance has been very important recently.  

I have also been jumping into my hobbies and things I enjoy.  From scrapbooking, to hosting parties, and getting back into running.  All of this has helped me, and could help anyone feeling the same.

I don't know if I have mentioned this on here before, but I am usually the person to hop in and out of relationships.  I used to really fear being alone, or just get lonely very easily.  But for the past 9 months I have forced my self to stay single.  And let me tell you, it has helped so much.  These past 9 months I have really learned how to care for myself.  I am teaching myself how to really love and appreciate everything that I am.  Sometimes it isn't easy.  I have days or weeks where I feel horrible about my physical features, my intellect, or how I am with my friendships.  I know this is normal, but I have been figuring out how to deal with all of this through being alone.  Of course this isn't to say that I DONT want to be in one, of course I do.  I feel like I am at a place where I would finally allow someone to love me and vise versa, but I'm also in no rush.

Though all of these things I have been dealing with everything going on mentally.  I just wanted to be more transparent than I usually am because ya never know when someone will need this.

So this is all random and completely messy, probably won't make a lot of sense...but maybe it will? IDK.

So I am not a very feelsy person, in fact I usually push away any signs of sappy emotions that come my way.

But right now I was just in the mood for some Bon Iver, and suddenly a huge rush of feeling just flooded over me.  Now I'm lost in it and its both comforting and uncomfortable at the same time. 

Currently the song Holocene is playing, if you haven't heard it I recommend it.  To be honest I have no idea what this song is about, I really don't know the lyrics, but its still very pretty.

This kind of music is the type of music that makes you crave a season, you know?  Its the kind of music that you imagine listening to when its really cold outside.  When the wind is so violent that you have to cover your face, like when it is so strong that anyone with curly hair is going to need an industrial brush to get all of the knots out.  The kind of song that makes you leave after your 1 pm class and just get in your car and drive.  When you have no plans, but don't want to be around anyone or doing really anything.  

The kind of song where you just drive until you seem far enough away from everything, but not where you are trying to get away from anything necessarily...you know?  Just somewhere quiet.  The kind of song or music where it both makes you think of everything going wrong, but at the exact same time make you think about how small those problems are without really taking away their meaning.  I guess this all sounds contradicting, but sometimes I guess emotions or feelings are just like that.  

Its the kind of music that forces you to remember the most random of moments.  Sometimes they are specific but sometimes they aren't.  You know that feeling you get when you recognize a smell, but can't really place it...but it is just so familiar and almost comforting.  Its kind of like that.  

I guess what Im saying is that it makes you remember to feel without getting so wrapped up in your feelings and memories.  Kind of like allowing you to remember good, bad, sad, neutral times in the past without dwelling on it.  

I guess lately I have been struggling with some things, but at the same time I push it all away.  And right now this music is letting me feel everything without feeling it too intensely.

But anyways.  It makes me look forward to the fall.  I guess thats not for a while, because in reality the cooler temperatures of fall don't hit San Antonio until late november, but thats okay.  You know those days when suddenly you just want to put on some heels, jeans, and a sweater.  Where you want to put your hair in a messy bun, but the kind of messy bun where you straighten the flyaways.  The day where you want to put on simple make up, but also wear the darkest shade of lipstick you have.  I guess again, you know those days where you a walking/talking juxtaposition.  Where you want to look casual, but a put together kind of casual.  Where you go to a coffee shop or a park, and bring a book without the intent to actually read the book.  Where you really just bring the book to give yourself the chance to do something productive even though you know you are just going to sit in the freezing violent wind and not once look at the book.

This all sounds so pointless, I know that, and maybe even a little unnecessarily deep, but you know the feeling.  Even if none of this really made sense, I know everyone has felt this way before.  

And for whatever reason, I'm feeling it right now and it feels really nice.  

Thats the end of this pointless rant?  Whatever you can call it.  I guess its a little insight on how my brain works.

Currently I am sitting in the quiet section of the library right now.  Sadly, I have one final left to take. But, I really don't want to study yet, so I thought I would commemorate and talk about this year and everything I have learned.

Sophomore year of college was by far the toughest year I have experienced, but it was full of a lot of lessons and great memories also.

This past year I have experienced so much emotionally that at times I really felt emotionally exhausted.  It's not exactly a secret that I went through a couple breakups, some outcomes are fine now while others aren't.  I'm not going to go into it because its written somewhere else on my little corner of the internet.  Through these breakups I really learned a lot about myself. 

Besides break ups I have learned a lot about people in general.  I was taught the hard way of picking up on red flags in people you view as friends.  I learned that not everyone always has your best intentions in mind, and why should they?  The world doesn't revolve around you.  It was rough but it was ultimately for the better.

Besides the bittersweet lessons I have learned, I have had so many more great memories this past year.  I don't think I have ever laughed so much than I did this year.  I got closer with my big, my littles and the girls in my friend groups.  I never realized how easy it is to make me laugh, but that was something I discovered this year, but I wouldn't change that.  

This year I forced myself to sing more.  I have posted videos of myself singing, seriously so terrifying still.  I now also go to open mics and karaokes on mondays with my friends and family.  I never knew how good it would make me feel about myself, but it really has.  Im not trying to sit here and gush about my voice, because I am not Christina Aguilera, but you know what I try my best haha.

This year I taught myself to really go for what I want, while also owning up to my mistakes.  Through being event co-ordinator, I really understand how to take criticism and use it as a positive instead of a negative.  Through going for what I want and working my ass off, Im now Vice President of Angels! 

Finally, I have really grasped what it is that I want to do with my life.  At the present moment I am finishing up Sophomore year.  I will spend Junior year here at UTSA, before transferring to a nursing school in fall of 2019.  I will spend 2 years going through nursing school, then spend another 2 years getting my masters.  The goal is to be a nurse practitioner.  After this semester in developmental psychology and also the birth of my baby cousin, I really know that I want to work with kids.  Being a nurse practitioner will allow me to interact with kids everyday and also do what I love, which is help people.

This year was very difficult, but ultimately amazing!  This summer will be full of traveling, study for my TEAS, and working.  I can't wait to see what all is to come.  Well peace out for now kids.

Hey Ashley,

I honestly have so much to thank you for.  I really could not have asked more a more amazing co-chair.  During the first semester without having someone to help me, I struggled a lot.  As school began to really get tough I truly did not know how to handle the load of events alone.  I had Simi and Sanaz to help, but I would feel so bad about asking them for so much and wouldn't go to them all the time.  This caused a lot of mental stress for me.  I had far too many break downs and anxiety attacks from worrying how I would lead so many things alone.  

When second semester came around and I agreed to wanting a co-chair, I was both excited and nervous.  I was worried that we wouldn't work well together, or that there would be a weird power dynamic.  But it ended up being the exact opposite.  We worked so well together!  I was able to bounce ideas off of you and as well as receive many from you.  You would remind me of things that I would either forget or not even think about.  You are and were so hard working, and made this semester amazing for me.  

Besides being there for me with events, you became a really good friend to me.  We got along on many things and you never failed to make me laugh. I loved being able to tell you my thoughts and experiences and not having to deal with the fear of being judged.  

You are seriously an amazing person Ashley.  You make the people around you laugh, have a great time, and feel good about themselves.  There aren't too many people that are like that so genuinely.  Initiation dinner was very bittersweet for me since it was our last event not only planning together, but attending together.  I am so proud of you for getting into the many colleges that you applied for.  You truly deserve the beautiful experiences and friendships heading your way.  I would say I hope the new people you meet appreciate you as much as we all do, but I don't need to hope because I know they will.

Your work ethic is going to take you so far in life girl.  I can't wait to see all that you do, and I really want to stay in touch with you since you are such a great friend and person.  

Once again, thank you for everything.  Thank you for being a great co-chair, thank you for being my friend, and thank you for just being you.

Love ya girl

-Allysa

I haven't been very feelsy lately, which is nice.  But one of my favorite youtubers uploaded this video, and I just wanted to put it out there.  Just in case if anyone is going through a breakup or something, and stumbles across this post.

Well, well, well.  Here we are again.

Another semester, another little.

What to do with the allysanator?

As one can tell, I decided to get another little!  That sounds so weird, it sounds like I went shopping or something.  Anyways, so yes I got another little!

To be honest I wasn't going to take another little, but then something happened when I met this lovely girl and I had to.  

Lately there had been a lot of negativity going on around me, and Janet was this bubbly ball of sunshine!  She has really just provided so much positivity back into my life!

Seeing her run towards my box after I jumped out, full of excitement was priceless.  So welcome to the fam janet, we all love you!

Dear you,

For lent I decided that I was going to write letters to people that have meant a lot to me in my life.  This is to thank people, get stuff out, or tell them how much they mean to me.  You were a huge part of my life for nearly 3 years.  So naturally I have a lot to say.  I have no idea if you will ever see this, or anyone you know will see this, but this is mainly for me.  So I really don't care.  Here I go.

I cannot stress how disappointed I am in the person that you became.  You used to be this amazing person, to everyone around you, especially the people that meant a lot to you.  You used to not let people control the things you did or the people you talked to.  You used to be understanding of the times you were wrong, and forgiving when people did you wrong.  Now I have no clue who you are and how you became this way.  

You hurt me in ways that I NEVER imagined you would.  I am not talking about the break up, which obviously hurt, I am talking about everything after.  You left me, which I had accepted.  You had your reasons and you needed to worry about yourself.  This was fine, then you came back months later.  You knew that you would be able to come back into my life whenever you wanted, because you knew how much I loved you.  You knew I loved you so much that I would do pretty much anything for you.  You came back claiming you were still in love with me and needed me in your life, but then offered me no answers.  You told me all of these things and then still were too confused to tell me where that was going.  You made me believe that a relationship would spurt from that.  You would come in and out of my life when it was most convenient for you.  

It was late March and we were still in the same routine.  We would text daily and talk most nights.  You would constantly remind me how much I meant to you.  We went on a date when we saw each other over spring break, kissed, caught up, and hung out for hours.  We both told each other that it felt amazing to finally be with each other again, that everything felt great.  In fact YOU were the one that was telling me all of this.  I just agreed with you.  After spring break finished things began to change.  You would be very odd a few days out of the week about talking, especially at night.  I didn't think much of it because in reality it wasn't my business.

Middle of July rolled around and one day everything changed.  That night I was dealing with something and you made the entire conversation about you.  We got into a huge fight and then you hung up on me because you couldn't deal with the fact that I was finally demanding an answer as to what we were.  I had a right to know, and you knew that.  I had let you string me along for way too long.  You were the one who came back into my life, telling me that you needed me, I deserved an answer.  Regardless, you were "too stressed out" to give me one.  So I ended what was going on.  The next I heard from you was on my birthday when you dramatically wished me a "happy birthday".  I remember the message perfectly, "I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but happy birthday I guess".  Whatever, doesn't matter.

The next time I contacted you I found out that you had been dating someone during the time you were stringing me along.  This was the first thing that surprised the hell out of me.  I never thought you would be THAT guy.  But here we were, and you were exactly that guy.  I wrote you off and basically told you I didn't want to talk to you ever again.  I hope you are paying attention to this timeline.

November I sent you a sort of apology message.  I began dating someone else and admired his ability to forgive those that hurt him.  So I tried the same thing.  I told you that I was sorry for being so harsh months ago, just that I was hurt.  I told you that while I still think you were wrong I would never hate you and wished you the best.  I thanked you a little for who you used to be and how you treated me in our relationship.  Wait for it...I got nothing back.  So funny since you were the one that practically begged me to stay in your life as a friend in the end.  

The next time we talked you finally apologized for how you treated me.  I accepted the apology and finally felt that I got my closure.

A few weeks ago is when I realized that your apology was bullshit.  You allowed your girlfriend to out of nowhere be rude to me.  You let her handle your problems, the problems that she had started.  She made me realize that you made her think that I have been blowing up your phone, constantly trying to be in your life.  Which I hadn't.  I hadn't even been thinking about you.  I just didn't like that thought of us being on bad terms, because even though we weren't in love and dating, I still cared about you.  

When everything happened it made me realize how much you have changed.  I was there for you through so much.  For around 3 years we were each others best friends.  Besides dating we would tell each other everything.  I know I was more than just a girlfriend to you.  I was close to your family, you were close to mine.  I brought you in when you needed it the most.  I was patient with you, through all of your moods.  I know I was there for you through a lot, and I never asked for anything in return.  I enjoyed being there for you.  But the way you decided to repay me was to treat me like shit in the end.  I knew that once you ended up with another person I would no longer be that person for you, and that was okay.  It had to be.  But I never thought you would allow her to treat me and start something like how she did.  She is nearly 30, with 2 kids, she shouldn't have time to be starting some high school drama.  But I guess if she is dating a 20 year old, then it makes sense.  

I never thought you would hide behind your girlfriend and a screen, just because you knew you couldn't handle what was going on.

I never thought you would drag me along for half a year.  I never thought you would lie to me.  But you did.

You were a huge part of why I get stressed out at the thought of a relationship.  

But I forgive you.  I forgive you for everything that you caused me this past year.  I forgive you for everything.  I know you have a lot to figure out, and I really hope you do.  

I hope one day you see how you did wrong.

That is most of the negative stuff I feel towards you.

Now thank you.  Thank you for so much that you have done for me.  You were there for me through a lot.  You were there during family deaths, friend problems, my mental and emotional breakdowns, and a lot of my moments of weakness.  You were a shoulder to cry on.  You made me feel loved and beautiful.

You taught me so much.  You helped me be more open minded, accepting of others, and so much more.  Everyday you taught me something about the world.  

Thank you for the talks that would last until 4 in the morning.  Thank you for just always being there for me in the past.

You showed me a few things of what I wanted in someone.  You showed me that I need someone who can make me laugh, someone who is crazy smart.  You showed me that I want someone who can form intellectual opinions and always down for a long ass conversation about space or something.

Thank you for so much.

I really wish you the best.  I hope one day you begin to understand everything that I was talking about.  I hope you one day go back to the amazing person that I know you can be.  So peace out A-dawg, I wish you well and hope you figure it out (because you have a lot to figure out).

-Allysa