Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.  I don't really know how to begin.

This blog post is going to be a pretty accurate representation on where my head is at right now, or where it isn't. 

My life is the exact opposite of what I thought it would be right now.  Nobody can see the future, or know exactly what is going to happen, but wow was I wrong.

In all honesty I am at such a low point right now, every time I take a step forward something comes and knocks me 5 steps, no, 5 miles back.  

When I found out my Grandfather had lung and brain cancer, I thought nothing could get worse for my family.  But then we discovered that my grandfather's accountant stole all his money.  This is where I first heard, and really understood, the saying that, "Bad news brings company."

Right now I strongly understand that phrase.

As many people know, ever since I was in the 8th grade I have wanted to be a doctor.  In middle school I decided that I wanted to work with kids.  In high school I made the decision that I would one day be a pediatric doctor and specialize with brain conditions.  I knew the exact path I would go on, I knew how hard I would have to work, and I knew it would be a challenging journey.  I would look at my friends and people I am close to and feel lucky that I wasn't in their shoes.  I felt lucky that I knew exactly what I wanted to do, making a college decision wasn't difficult for me.  I was coming to UTSA with 2 of my best friends, surrounded by family, it felt like a dream.

It was a dream.  But that is all that it was.  College has been really hard for me...I don't have a lot of friends, everyone is different, and I'm so far away from the person I love the most.  Im no longer sure of anything right now.  I don't know if this is the place for me, but I don't know if my other option will be either.

I have never made this big of a decision, and something about it just doesn't feel right anymore.  I know that this could just be due to the transitional period, but I also know that maybe its not.  Place Y (This is what I will be calling my other option for education), seemed so perfect.  I would have the one person I loved the most there, but now I'm not so sure.  I don't know what will happen.  I don't know if things will last or end or whatever.  All I know is that even if place Y is where I'm supposed to be, what if I end up going and I'm all alone.  That is terrifying to me.  Going somewhere and being all alone, knowing nobody.  My mind is just a jungle of "What ifs".

Besides my confusion on where I'm supposed to be, and what I'm supposed to be doing, everything seems to be falling apart.  I don't know what is happening in one of the most significant parts of my life.  For once I don't know what to think or feel.  I used to just know that everything will be okay and go back to normal, that it just needed to be worked out, an apology was needed, or somebody was just feeling insecure.  But now I have no clue.  I don't know what to think.  Anything can happen, it can go either way.  Some people may know what I'm talking about, and some won't, but I don't really care.  I don't really care if this doesn't make sense, because in reality it doesn't make sense to me.  

Something I have always been bad at is "giving people space".  Space didn't, doesn't, exist in my family.  In my family we never went to bed without talking it out.  Talking about what was bothering us.  Even yelling and getting out the anger.  To some people that sounds horrible, but to me its just something I'm used to.  So when I am supposed to give someone space I suddenly feel like I'm learning how to drive all over again.  You know what I mean?  Like you know in theory what you're supposed to do, but you don't really know how to actually take your knowledge and do it.  Or how you're scared one thing will go wrong and then the car crashes, or ruin the tires, or whatever.  But that is how I feel about giving people space, this goes for ANYONE in my life who might need it.  When someone tells me they need time or space it just terrifies me and makes me want to do the exact opposite.  I get scared that the time and space will do the opposite of what I want, or what I need.  I know its selfish, but I'm only human.  It is something I am having to work on, and will only get better at with time and age.

On top of being confused and stressed I am so so sad.  I am at a place where I have never connected so well with sappy songs.  I was listening to Spotify yesterday morning and the first song that came on was "West Coast", by Coconut Records.  That song has so much meaning to me that I could barely hold myself together.  I had to turn off my phone to resist playing it all the way through.  Music has a hold on a lot of people in this world, I and it definitely has me.  I hate not knowing what is going to happen in my life.  Im that person that when I get nervous in movies or shows I look up the ending.  Yeah, I'm one of those people.  I think I have only NOT looked up the ending a few times, and that took so much self control.  So not being able to look up what is going to happen is killing me.  Last night at around 8 pm I looked at my phone and felt myself expecting a call that I knew wasn't going to come through.  That killed me a little.  When I woke up in the morning I had cramps and a migraine, and then I realized a special friend had come.  The thing that all girls dread.

So everything is all happening at once, and its all going a little too fast for me.

I know that right now I need to think about myself and really think about what I want.  And I will, but at the moment I am really sad.  I know that it is because everything is so fresh, but I am still sad.

I also know that this is just a chapter in my life, I know that soon enough everything will work itself out and be how it is supposed to be.  I know that.  But it is also hard to really understand that when I am feeling like this.

I am aware that this is not the biggest deal to some people, others are going through stuff that is much harder for them, but this is something that is going on in my life and its hard.

So goodbye for now.