THE SOUND OF ALLYSA

I haven't been very feelsy lately, which is nice.  But one of my favorite youtubers uploaded this video, and I just wanted to put it out there.  Just in case if anyone is going through a breakup or something, and stumbles across this post.

Well, well, well.  Here we are again.

Another semester, another little.

What to do with the allysanator?

As one can tell, I decided to get another little!  That sounds so weird, it sounds like I went shopping or something.  Anyways, so yes I got another little!

To be honest I wasn't going to take another little, but then something happened when I met this lovely girl and I had to.  

Lately there had been a lot of negativity going on around me, and Janet was this bubbly ball of sunshine!  She has really just provided so much positivity back into my life!

Seeing her run towards my box after I jumped out, full of excitement was priceless.  So welcome to the fam janet, we all love you!

Dear you,

For lent I decided that I was going to write letters to people that have meant a lot to me in my life.  This is to thank people, get stuff out, or tell them how much they mean to me.  You were a huge part of my life for nearly 3 years.  So naturally I have a lot to say.  I have no idea if you will ever see this, or anyone you know will see this, but this is mainly for me.  So I really don't care.  Here I go.

I cannot stress how disappointed I am in the person that you became.  You used to be this amazing person, to everyone around you, especially the people that meant a lot to you.  You used to not let people control the things you did or the people you talked to.  You used to be understanding of the times you were wrong, and forgiving when people did you wrong.  Now I have no clue who you are and how you became this way.  

You hurt me in ways that I NEVER imagined you would.  I am not talking about the break up, which obviously hurt, I am talking about everything after.  You left me, which I had accepted.  You had your reasons and you needed to worry about yourself.  This was fine, then you came back months later.  You knew that you would be able to come back into my life whenever you wanted, because you knew how much I loved you.  You knew I loved you so much that I would do pretty much anything for you.  You came back claiming you were still in love with me and needed me in your life, but then offered me no answers.  You told me all of these things and then still were too confused to tell me where that was going.  You made me believe that a relationship would spurt from that.  You would come in and out of my life when it was most convenient for you.  

It was late March and we were still in the same routine.  We would text daily and talk most nights.  You would constantly remind me how much I meant to you.  We went on a date when we saw each other over spring break, kissed, caught up, and hung out for hours.  We both told each other that it felt amazing to finally be with each other again, that everything felt great.  In fact YOU were the one that was telling me all of this.  I just agreed with you.  After spring break finished things began to change.  You would be very odd a few days out of the week about talking, especially at night.  I didn't think much of it because in reality it wasn't my business.

Middle of July rolled around and one day everything changed.  That night I was dealing with something and you made the entire conversation about you.  We got into a huge fight and then you hung up on me because you couldn't deal with the fact that I was finally demanding an answer as to what we were.  I had a right to know, and you knew that.  I had let you string me along for way too long.  You were the one who came back into my life, telling me that you needed me, I deserved an answer.  Regardless, you were "too stressed out" to give me one.  So I ended what was going on.  The next I heard from you was on my birthday when you dramatically wished me a "happy birthday".  I remember the message perfectly, "I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but happy birthday I guess".  Whatever, doesn't matter.

The next time I contacted you I found out that you had been dating someone during the time you were stringing me along.  This was the first thing that surprised the hell out of me.  I never thought you would be THAT guy.  But here we were, and you were exactly that guy.  I wrote you off and basically told you I didn't want to talk to you ever again.  I hope you are paying attention to this timeline.

November I sent you a sort of apology message.  I began dating someone else and admired his ability to forgive those that hurt him.  So I tried the same thing.  I told you that I was sorry for being so harsh months ago, just that I was hurt.  I told you that while I still think you were wrong I would never hate you and wished you the best.  I thanked you a little for who you used to be and how you treated me in our relationship.  Wait for it...I got nothing back.  So funny since you were the one that practically begged me to stay in your life as a friend in the end.  

The next time we talked you finally apologized for how you treated me.  I accepted the apology and finally felt that I got my closure.

A few weeks ago is when I realized that your apology was bullshit.  You allowed your girlfriend to out of nowhere be rude to me.  You let her handle your problems, the problems that she had started.  She made me realize that you made her think that I have been blowing up your phone, constantly trying to be in your life.  Which I hadn't.  I hadn't even been thinking about you.  I just didn't like that thought of us being on bad terms, because even though we weren't in love and dating, I still cared about you.  

When everything happened it made me realize how much you have changed.  I was there for you through so much.  For around 3 years we were each others best friends.  Besides dating we would tell each other everything.  I know I was more than just a girlfriend to you.  I was close to your family, you were close to mine.  I brought you in when you needed it the most.  I was patient with you, through all of your moods.  I know I was there for you through a lot, and I never asked for anything in return.  I enjoyed being there for you.  But the way you decided to repay me was to treat me like shit in the end.  I knew that once you ended up with another person I would no longer be that person for you, and that was okay.  It had to be.  But I never thought you would allow her to treat me and start something like how she did.  She is nearly 30, with 2 kids, she shouldn't have time to be starting some high school drama.  But I guess if she is dating a 20 year old, then it makes sense.  

I never thought you would hide behind your girlfriend and a screen, just because you knew you couldn't handle what was going on.

I never thought you would drag me along for half a year.  I never thought you would lie to me.  But you did.

You were a huge part of why I get stressed out at the thought of a relationship.  

But I forgive you.  I forgive you for everything that you caused me this past year.  I forgive you for everything.  I know you have a lot to figure out, and I really hope you do.  

I hope one day you see how you did wrong.

That is most of the negative stuff I feel towards you.

Now thank you.  Thank you for so much that you have done for me.  You were there for me through a lot.  You were there during family deaths, friend problems, my mental and emotional breakdowns, and a lot of my moments of weakness.  You were a shoulder to cry on.  You made me feel loved and beautiful.

You taught me so much.  You helped me be more open minded, accepting of others, and so much more.  Everyday you taught me something about the world.  

Thank you for the talks that would last until 4 in the morning.  Thank you for just always being there for me in the past.

You showed me a few things of what I wanted in someone.  You showed me that I need someone who can make me laugh, someone who is crazy smart.  You showed me that I want someone who can form intellectual opinions and always down for a long ass conversation about space or something.

Thank you for so much.

I really wish you the best.  I hope one day you begin to understand everything that I was talking about.  I hope you one day go back to the amazing person that I know you can be.  So peace out A-dawg, I wish you well and hope you figure it out (because you have a lot to figure out).

-Allysa 

Two weekends ago was my Texas Angels spring retreat!  Ashley and I are the event coordinators and had been working together for months to put everything together.  We were both so insanely nervous and stressed that something wouldn't go right and ruin the whole weekend, but it was by far my favorite retreat ever.

The first night was our women empowerment night.  We centered it around empowering ourselves and breaking down barriers with each other.  We put girls into their groups and gave them 5 questions to go over with the people in their groups.  The questions ranged from favorite shows to what our first impressions of each other were.  Later in the evening I had 3 sisters talk about an important woman role model in their life, this led to open letter to their younger selves which some girls decided to share with everyone.  I never could have imagined how amazing the first night would have gone.  I now feel like I know these girls way better than I did before.  Even people that I have known for a year, it is crazy learning about people.  When you look at someone you would never imagine the hardships that they have had to face.  I even got up and talked about something dear to me that not a lot of people know.  After, girls were brought together and all talking to people who shared common stories with them.  It was seriously so beautiful.

The second day started nice and early.  We made the girls breakfast and Ashley and I started making everyone sandwiches that they would have for lunch.  Sadly there was a thick fog for a good chunk of the early morning, but after a little it went away.  We did have to alter the schedule, but I am so grateful that this semester I had Ashley's help.  It just made everything go so much smoother.

We had so many fun activities lined up for the girls, and everyone was so understanding about how we had to quickly rearrange the schedule based on the weather.  We started with a pop culture/texas angels jeopardy.  It was really fun!  Questions were based off of finishing vines, knowing celebrities, and knowing some facts about texas angels!  Not to brag or anything...but my group tied 1st with the other group (who had the president).  We had a few other inside activities that were pretty chill and laid back, but a lot of fun!

We then began a scavenger hunt which included doing dares.  Everyone in my group was so funny and down for anything.  I feel like everyone was able to let lose and get to know the girls in their group!

The day ended with relay races and some hilarious skits put on by the groups.

In the night everyone just relaxed and had a good time.

All in all I am so very proud of the work that Ashley and I put into this retreat.  I am so happy with the girls that I have gotten closer too, and stoked that I have yet again, found another little.  Wonder who it will be ;)

My oh my.  Today was an...experience to say the least.

Now maybe for some people valentines day isn't a huge deal.  For some people it is just another day on this good ole planet.  Some people think its just a holiday created by hallmark to make money.  I don't know your view on the holiday, but it has always been a big deal for me.

Every single year when I was growing up my dad would go ALL out.  He would wake up early in the morning and get my mom a few dozens of roses, her favorite chocolate, and wake her up with really good breakfast.  For me he would always get me a GIANT stuffed animal, a few valentines day cards, and of course candy.  It was always just a huge deal.  My dad would make it day to just really show us how much we meant to him.

Now sure, people will say "well you should just always treat the people you care about well", and I do agree with it.  But not everyone has time to wake up at 4 in the morning and get presents EVERY DAY.  So I never minded this day of the year where my dad would go all out.

So ever since I started dating, I would always go all out for this lovey dovey holiday.  When I was dating Allen I made him some bomb gifts.  And he did the same for me.  Then when I was dating Patrick he took me out and did anything that day to make me happy.  Soooooooooo what about this year?  Well this year on valentines day I am 100% single.  I haven't been single on valentines day since I was a Freshman in high school.  HIGH SCHOOL!

Im not going to lie, it was kind of lonely??  I feel as though lonely isn't the correct word.  It felt strange because this year I didn't have someone knocking on my door with flowers.  While I'm not trying to complain, or throw myself a pity party, I am just trying to stress that I haven't experienced this in a while.

So what did single Allysa do today?  I made sure to busy myself.  I had class from 12-2.  Then after that I studied for 5.5 hours (a nice romantic setting with my books).  I made cupcakes while studying.  Forced myself not too creep on my ex's, turned on sappy music, immediately turned off sappy music. Took out the cupcakes.  Had to force myself not to creep on my ex's again.  Then finished studying.

Around 8, I went and had dinner with one of my little's Sarina and my roommate Itati.  I didn't realize  how much I was going to need that today, but I really did.

Needless to say, while yeah its not a huge deal to spend valentines day alone, but it was very weird for me.  Im not going to lie and say I loved it, but I know it was good for me.  But I am excited for one day to be with someone again on valentines day and be an annoying couple.

So, taking a break from all of the deep stuff that has been going on in my life!  Lately something that has been helping me  A LOT is hanging out with my friends.  It seems like recently I have ONLY been with my friends, and I am honestly loving it!

During the previous semester its not like I wouldn't hang out with people, but looking back I feel like I wouldn't reach out enough.  I am a person that does value my alone time.  The time where I'm laying in bed watching netflix, the time where I'm running on my own, or driving to coffee shops to read.  And all of these things are great, but I really had been missing hanging out with people haha.

I have been making it a goal of mine to try and get closer with people that I either wasn't close to before, or had lost touch with in the midst of my crazy life.

Reconnecting and forming new connections has been inanely fun, but also super therapeutic.  

But yeah, here is a super short little update.  So future Allysa, don't get so caught up in life and remember to hang out with some new and old people.