life
Realizations From Room 356
I have never been the best at outwardly expressing how I am feeling in certain moments. My reactions to some may appear cold and unfeeling, but in reality I feel a lot...I just don't feel comfortable with other people seeing me in that state.
At the moment I am sitting in the hospice floor in a hospital. The room is 356, which explains the title. A few days ago I found out that my Grandmother is going through Acute Renal Failure...in other words her Kidneys are failing. I found out in the midst of my first exam week in college, so one could say I was a tad bit stressed. My mom was in town and as soon as I found out where my grandma was being held I rushed over.
It really didn't hit me about how short of time she has until the doctor told our family, "I don't like making predictions but if I had to make one I would say she has anywhere from a couple of hours to 1-2 days".
The reason I am making this post today is because I can't seem to show how I'm feeling on my face, so I'm going to attempt to type it out.
Realizations:
- Yesterday I was sitting in the hospital room with only my mom. We were sitting in silence when my mom ask me this, "Grandma has never heard you sing...will you please sing something to her. Ill leave the room if that helps?" I nodded after a minute or two and then she left the room. What is sad is that I almost said no...but then I asked myself, what is holding me back? She isn't going to judge me and she also doesn't have much time. I sat for a little in front of my grandma and talked to her and then started singing. I sang "Oceans" by Hillsong United, its a beautiful song and I felt like it represented her faith. My realization was that I really need to sing more, especially for the people that want to hear me sing. There was a reason that I was given the ability to sing, so it doesn't make any sense to be keeping it in lockdown mode hidden from the world. I also know that my singing makes my parents really happy...which I am currently being reminded that they will not be here forever...
- My second realization is something I feel that a lot of people experience when they are going through this. That is, tell the people that you care about how you feel. Everyday we go through life assuming that people know how we feel, when in reality that isn't true. Anything can happen at any given moment, so I really understand that you shouldn't go a day without telling people that you care about them. Even if you aren't someone that enjoys being that open with people...then get over it, because I'm not one of those people either...but I really feel like I need to get better at this.
- Something that I am really bad at is calling my parents every single day. I don't do it for me, I do it so my mom and dad are happy. But after everything going on right now I feel like I'm going to want to call them everyday. This has been really hard on everyone, especially my mom...I can't even begin to think about how I will be when my parents pass. So I need to take advantage of the time I have with them right now.
- This year has been a personal low for my faith. So much sadness has happened within this last year...and it has caused me to turn away from the Catholic church. My grandmother was the most faithful person in my life. She never seemed to worry, she just handed everything to God and let it happen. When people go through a loved one passing they (we) seem to forget about that part of the faith. I have realized through this time that I need to get further into my faith, so I can really understand that where my grandmother is going is truly better than here.
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