Hello people/future Allysa, I haven't been posting on here as much as I wish.  But today I was scrolling through my drafts and found this entry that I never ended up posting. So I thought I would go ahead and post it and say where I am at now, since it has been a little over a year.

"So some time ago I went through a breakup with a guy I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.  Cliche? Maybe, but it is the truth.  Recently one of my good friends and a guy she was interested in got back together with his ex girlfriend.  She told me that she didn't understand how I handled it so well.  She wasn't the only person to tell me this, it had been pointed out to me by numerous of my other friends.  They all wanted to know how I was doing so well, or would tell me how surprised they were by my composure.  The only person who would occasionally see me break was Maria, but even then I didn't cry...me breaking would be merely saying his name.

So for anyone out there reading this is going through a breakup this is so you know that you are nowhere close to alone.

The truth is that I was far from okay.  I was nowhere close to doing well.  I have never been super talented at expressing my emotions, I hate the thought of someone seeing me in a vulnerable state.  The idea of someone seeing me cry is terrifying.  

The breakup started with a break, but I really consider that the beginning of the breakup, I went to class in sweatpants and made around 5 "bathroom breaks" just to stare myself down in the mirror.  Staring at myself in the mirror wasn't me admiring how good I looked, because I looked like I had walked through war...no, I was telling myself not to break.  I told myself to keep it all in, and I was successful.  I did that for a full week.  As soon as I got done with class I would hurry to the library and study for countless hours, then immediately go to the gym, then go to bed.  In the morning I would wake up, throw myself out of bed, do my makeup and hair, go to class.  The cycle repeated for a week.  As soon as that week ended what was happening in my life started to sink in.  Every night when I was alone I would cry by myself.  I would listen to old voicemails, watch videos of us together, and look at the countless pictures.  I didn't tell anyone I was doing this or that I was sitting in my room at night sobbing myself to sleep.

As the month dragged on I refused to talk to anyone about what was happening or how I was feeling. The next time I even really mentioned him was when he officially ended the relationship.  I allowed myself to cry the day it ended and ever since then I haven't cried about it.

So I understand why people who see me think that I handled the breakup well.  To people if they don't see someone in full breakdown mode then they naturally think the person is okay.  So I really do  understand.  I was making friends, meeting new people, making good grades, getting in shape...I looked like I was great!  But in my opinion I did not handle the breakup well at all.  

Never have I ever felt the kind of pain that a heartbreak brings.  I felt worthless, tired, angry, unmotivated, and I didn't eat.  I kept everything inside and didn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling.

I am doing better now, but I would be lying if I said that my feelings towards him have changed.  A part of me still hopes that we will one day get back together.  I still want to call him when something great happens to me, I even want to call him after I watch an interesting science video.

The only thing I can do right now is focus on myself and remind myself that good things are coming.

All and all this was to tell everyone that there is no good or bad way to handle a breakup.  Hold on, anything could happen."
Where I am now
Reading through this post was kind of hard for me when I found it earlier today.  It wasn't hard in the fact that I am still heartbroken, but more that I can remember so clearly how it felt writing that post.  It is crazy how much has changed in a year.  Because looking back now everything I said in that original post was true.  I could see myself marrying him, I did seem okay, and for a long time I was no where near over him.  While it has been a year since that break up, I didn't start fully getting over him until this past summer.  This past summer and the beginning of this year is when I started to come to terms with what I deserve.  I am in no way trying to shame this young man, but in the end he did not treat me how every person deserves to be treated.  In all honesty he put me on a shelf and would use me when he was lonely.  I was so blinded by love that I let him do this, over and over again.  I let it go on for months.  It wasn't until he finally has the decency to tell me that he had moved on.  After a long angry goodbye from me, deleting his number, throwing away our pictures, I finally moved on.
I don't mean to mention this because I am still upset over the situation.  I am not, I am very happy with where I am now, but I think it is important for people to see that breakups last a long time.  It took months for me to finally put us in the past.  It took a loud message for me to tell him how I really felt.  But it was what was needed for me.
I never would tell him how much he was hurting me because I was so nervous it would scare him away and I would lose my shot at being with him.  Looking back now I know that I can't do that to myself again.  We all deserve someone who won't run away from honesty.  So finally telling him how I really felt gave me the closure I needed.
I guess for anyone going through a break up please know that these things take time, and in reality no one is as good as they seem.  It took a full year for me to be 100% okay, but I am extremely happy to say I feel amazing!