So some time ago I went through a breakup with a guy I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.  Cliche? Maybe, but it is the truth.  Recently one of my good friends and a guy she was interested in got back together with his ex girlfriend.  She told me that she didn't understand how I handled it so well.  She wasn't the only person to tell me this, it had been pointed out to me by numerous of my other friends.  They all wanted to know how I was doing so well, or would tell me how surprised they were by my composure.  The only person who would occasionally see me break was Maria, but even then I didn't cry...me breaking would be merely saying his name.

So for anyone out there reading this is going through a breakup this is so you know that you are nowhere close to alone.

The truth is that I was far from okay.  I was nowhere close to doing well.  I have never been super talented at expressing my emotions, I hate the thought of someone seeing me in a vulnerable state.  The idea of someone seeing me cry is terrifying.  

The breakup started with a break, but I really consider that the beginning of the breakup, I went to class in sweatpants and made around 5 "bathroom breaks" just to stare myself down in the mirror.  Staring at myself in the mirror wasn't me admiring how good I looked, because I looked like I had walked through war...no, I was telling myself not to break.  I told myself to keep it all in, and I was successful.  I did that for a full week.  As soon as I got done with class I would hurry to the library and study for countless hours, then immediately go to the gym, then go to bed.  In the morning I would wake up, throw myself out of bed, do my makeup and hair, go to class.  The cycle repeated for a week.  As soon as that week ended what was happening in my life started to sink in.  Every night when I was alone I would cry by myself.  I would listen to old voicemails, watch videos of us together, and look at the countless pictures.  I didn't tell anyone I was doing this or that I was sitting in my room at night sobbing myself to sleep.

As the month dragged on I refused to talk to anyone about what was happening or how I was feeling. The next time I even really mentioned him was when he officially ended the relationship.  I allowed myself to cry the day it ended and ever since then I haven't cried about it.

So I understand why people who see me think that I handled the breakup well.  To people if they don't see someone in full breakdown mode then they naturally think the person is okay.  So I really do  understand.  I was making friends, meeting new people, making good grades, getting in shape...I looked like I was great!  But in my opinion I did not handle the breakup well at all.  

Never have I ever felt the kind of pain that a heartbreak brings.  I felt worthless, tired, angry, unmotivated, and I didn't eat.  I kept everything inside and didn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling.

I am doing better now and have started to understand that everything happens for a reason.  Through making friends, staying busy, and getting involved on campus I have come to terms with everything going on.  So in reality there is no way to handle a breakup perfectly, but the feeling will go away and things will eventually make sense.  There is no way to control anything that is going to happen in your life, so anything can happen!