THE SOUND OF ALLYSA

Hello world.  Hows it going? Is it going well?? I seriously hope so.  Because to be honest right now is a rough one.  

It is currently 3 a.m., in case you could not tell by the title.  I was shuffling through my drawer, trying to find my scarce amount of socks, when I came across a note.  When I picked it up I had absolutely no clue what in the world I had found hiding at the back of my nightstand.  But no need to worry, I quickly figured it out.

What I found was a note from the boy I just got out of a relationship with.  Now, for those who have been with me through this process, you will know that I am doing surprisingly okay.  Just okay, not super amazing or super sad...just okay.  So when I came across the note it didn't cause me to fall on my knees sobbing and have a breakdown.  But to be honest, it made me have a lot of doubts about myself.

I know I recently posted an entree about how things happen for a reason, or the breakup needed to happen because I need some time for myself, and it was God calling me.  And I am not redacting any of those statements because I still believe them to be true.  But it still doesn't take away the doubts I am having at this very moment.

One of the things that he had told me was that he could see a future with me at the very beginning of the relationship, but as the relationship went on it began to slip away.  Or how he loved me a lot when I wasn't open.  When he said those words I really didn't believe him.  Who the fuck, (sorry but if I'm going to be honest in this post, I'm going to type the way I am feeling), knows that they want to marry someone at 1 month in.  So when he told me this I didn't originally believe him.  Or how he said that I couldn't open up when he cared about me the most, I thought he was just being overdramatic and making up reasons.  But as I sat there, with my messy bun and bags under my eyes, reading the letter...I realized everything he said was true.  In the note he did say he could see his future with me.  He said he could envision us traveling together and starting a family.  And he did in fact tell me that he wished I would open up.

So you may be wondering, okayyyy??? Why are you saying this Allysa? What does this have to do with anything?  I am saying this because for once it IS my fault for a breakup.  Whether or not this was SUPPOSED to happen is a totally different story, but I DID cause this breakup.

The part that terrifies me is that, I thought that I finally did open up in a relationship.  I thought that was allowing someone to love me, but more than anything, allowing MYSELF to love...when I guess I wasn't.  Looking back I realize I never changed.  I convinced myself that I did, I convinced myself that I was letting him in, when I really didn't do any of those things.  As I was reading the pages of him confessing his love for me all I could think about was the amount of stuff I didn't tell him.  Honestly, I know it was all out of fear.

Im starting to freak myself out because I don't know if I will ever really be able to let ANYONE in.  Maybe that sounds cliche or dramatic, no I know it does, but I don't really care.  That is where I am at right now.  I am hoping that this time to myself and stage of discovery will teach me to open up and no longer be scared.  Yet, I would be lying if I don't have this fear and doubt that I never will.

The one person I have ever really let in was my past boyfriend Allen.  And even then I never told him when I was feeling doubtful or scared.  Isn't that the point of letting someone in?  When I watch how my parents act towards each other it seems so easy for them to be emotional with each other.  Granted they have been together longer than I have been alive, but still.  My mom told me that when they were young they would tell each other EVERYTHING.  The good and the bad.  From moments of feeling insanely happy for no reason, to times of insecurities.  

I feel that I am so dead focused on being this perfect person, this perfect girlfriend, that I never really allow myself to show when I am down.  In my most recent relationship the times I would show weakness would be when I was self sabotaging and nearly ripping away our relationship.  I would run away, but he would always follow.  I guess I got used to that, which is stupid.  I got used to him running after me and forcing me to work out the problem, when in reality...it was way to early for those things to be happening.  People always say that the "right person" will run after you time and time again.  Im sorry but right now I feel like that is B.S.  Boyfriends are human.  Husbands are human.  Everyone is only human.  And humans can only take so much chasing.  

I guess it just sucks knowing that you are the reason for the ending of something momentarily good.  It sucks reading a note that says "you are worth it", "I believe in you to open up", "I won't give up on you".  Because that is exactly what happened, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I know this might all seem so stupid and some people might see my problem so clearly and just want to shake me.  Its fine, I get it, you don't know me.  For people that do, they know that I'm really just not a very emotional person.  The people that know me understand that I really do wish I COULD be more emotional, maybe it would make these things easier.  But I'm just not, and I can't force myself to be something that isn't me.  At least not in one night.  But at this moment I really wish I could have  been more open.  I wish I could be more open now.  I have been trying really hard to open up to the people around me, but it just feels so wrong.  

I used to think I didn't understand how people could do flings, but I am really starting to get it.  Flings are easy, especially when you don't get attached (and I really don't).  You can be the surface level you.  The you that you pretend to be in front of people that won't be in your life for very long.  You can talk about the things you are good at and the things you aspire to do.  Flings are easy because they last just long enough for you to make yourself seem impressive.  Im not trying to sound conceited, but I think this is why a good amount of boys become interested in me.  On paper I seem great.  They see that I'm smart, decent looking, athletic, witty, and I laugh a lot.  But I'm a lot more than that.  Im so much more than a gpa and mile time.  Im the breakdowns, the doubts, the messy bun.  Im the girl that never looks at herself after getting out of the shower.  Im the girl that sometimes has to leave the house just so I don't stick a finger down my throat.  Thats why relationships are so scary.  This is why I'm terrified to open up.  I know I don't want people to see the "ugly" side of me.  Maybe thats sounds stupid.  Everyone has an ugly side, I know I'm not the only one.  But I just don't know how to let anyone really in.  I guess its just hard to see a point.  I already know what he would have told me if I said all of this.  He would have hugged me, kissed me, and then pointed out every reason why I am not the things I sometimes think I am.  But what does that do?  Think about it, what does that really do??  Nothing.  It does nothing if you don't believe it yourself.

I know that this is what I need to work on.  I need to work on loving myself and blah blah blah.  But its really damn hard.  Especially when you don't understand how to let anyone in.  Because the few times I tried, I did it wrong, and things ended.

So yeah.  If anyone reads this sorry for such a deep and sad post.  But i'd rather keep it real than pretend I'm this happy person alllll the time, cause nobody is.

If you are feeling like this then know you aren't alone I guess, and that it will eventually get better...maybe just not right now.

   

I have tried to make it a point to stay pretty honest on this thing.  I mean since this is mainly for me to go back on, there would be no real reason for me to sugar coat anything.  Im not going to lie, I'm feeling pretty damn lonely right now. 

   While I have a strong friend group, I know that if I really needed them that they would be there for me in a heartbeat.  But most of my friends have someone right now, so they are usually spending their nights and weekends with that person.  Thats great, I am very happy for them.  And while I know I could convince one of them to leave and be with me right now, but why would I?  Its not an emergency.  I am not falling to the ground in tears.  Im simply just here and alone.  So there is no real point to ask them to interrupt their time for me.  I get it.  I know what it is like to be whisked away in the feeling of love or affection, so I do not blame them.  I also know that the type of loneliness does not stem from me feeling like I have no friends.

   I know that these feelings are coming from me missing having someone to be with at night.  I know that I miss the comfort and security that comes from a relationship.  I mean, I have known nothing else for the past 4 years.  I miss having someone to listen to my random thoughts, to hold me, to remind me that I mean something to them.  But I don't have that right now, and I shouldn't.

   I really do understand that I need to be alone for a while.  I need to come face to face with this feeling and embrace it.  I need to understand that this feeling is okay and completely normal.  That while getting away from my thoughts is a good thing, I should NOT always be distracting myself. I need to really dive into being alone and enjoy hanging out with myself.

   For the times that I need to just hang out with my good ol' self, but don't want to be cooped up in my room, surrounded by my thoughts, I have decided to do these things.  It has really been helping.

I suppose what I have realized today is that feeling lonely is okay, its normal and its human.  I have realized that I need to both dive into feeling lonely but also not always feel like this.  Maybe this is a rather obvious thing to some people, but it wasn't for me. 

Hello, Hello.  This is the first post in the Allysa Chronicles.  Im a little nervous, because I am about to get realllll personal.  Even if no one new is reading this, what I am about to talk about is very emotional for me, but I need to start somewhere...and this is what makes the most sense.

The first thing I would like to talk about is Forgiveness.  

Forgiveness is by far the hardest thing for me. A part is because when I let people in, when I FINALLY trust a person, nothing is no longer NOT personal.  When someone hurts me it rips me straight to the core.  From relationships to friendships, forgiveness has always been hard for me.  But the only way for me to be able to move on is to publicly address what is hardest for me to forgive.

I will not go into immense detail, because I don't know how to talk about everything well.

I have been sexually assaulted 3 times in my life.  Each time took its toll on me. The first time was when I was 11, the next when I was 12, and then again at 18.  My mind has blocked out memories from two of the incidents, which is what makes talking about this so difficult and scary. 

For years I have tried to understand why these things happen.  Asking over and over, why did this happen to me? Why does it KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?  What have I done to deserve this? Over and over I have asked these questions, and each time I would come up blank.  Being someone that prefers to think logically I could not come up with any reason for why this was happening.  I could not allow myself to accept that I may never understand why these men decided to prey on me.  But I am now coming to this realization.  I need to let it go.

I need to let go, move on, push past these incidents.  I don't have to forget, but I need to move on.  It is the only real way I will be able to work on myself and my relationships.  

So here I go.  I forgive.  I forgive the man in the store, the boy in the computer lab, and the guy I once dated.  I truly forgive all of them.

This was not something I was able to do today, or in just one 24 hour stance.  This has been taking its toll on me for years.  And I finally am able to say that I forgive it all.  

I have allowed these incidents to control me.  I let it affect my attitudes towards men, relationship, and people in general.  I made this a crutch instead of working on it making me stronger.

I have come to understand that for a long time I blamed myself for something that was not my fault.  And once I could no longer take the burden I blamed God.  

I blamed God because it was the only thing that made sense.  If he made this world, why couldn't he have made these things not happen.  But now I can see those thoughts aren't correct even in the slightest.

God created the world to represent his goodness.  Once Adam and Eve ate the apple this allowed for sin to come into the world.  Free will mixed with sin is when bad things happen to good people.  God's design was not for me to feel this pain for all of these years.  I now am understanding that this is not his fault.  People make conscious decisions everyday, whether or not those decisions are good is up to them.  Sin is lead by the devil, and me nearly accepting that it was all God's fault was me falling exactly where the devil wanted me to go. 

After accepting that God is here for me, and wants me to take his hand, I have been able to forgive these boys for what they had done to me.  From here I can allow myself to continue to heal for other reasons.  I have let these incidents be my reason for why I feel worthless, ugly, and unloveable...but not anymore.  Me forgiving is only my first step to coming face to face with all that has broken me.

Hello world.

Hello 2018.

Hello my first post of the year.

Hello bittersweet realizations.

A lot of the things I am about to talk about come from my journal in the picture above.  So I would like to go ahead and begin this post by starting with how these realizations came about.

If anyone reading this also has read my last post, then you may remember that I mentioned finding someone that taught me what it was like to be treated right.  All of those things remain true, but I am no longer dating the young man I was talking about.  

A few days ago he broke it off for reasons that I will keep between him and I, since the entire relationship was between the two of us.  It was very hard for me, I cried, I got angry, and I got confused.  Right after it happened I called my friend Ana Sofia, a woman full of a lot of knowledge and then went over to my friends place.  I could not stand the thought of being alone that night.  The next morning is when reality HIT ME.  This was NOT a gentle discovery, it basically hit me like a truck.  

What I discovered was that I was insanely broken.  In much more ways than a break up from a 3 month relationship.  Of course I knew I could talk to my parents, my friends, and anyone in my family, but for whatever reason I knew deep down, that wasn't going to fix me.  I sat in a christian store parking lot discovering that the only one that could help fix me was God. 

I have been having thoughts that I needed to get back into my faith.  Im not going to lie, a large part of it was finally seeing what it was like to date someone with my similar beliefs.  So as I sat in the parking lot everything began to fall into place.  This break up, me going through yet ANOTHER heart break, was all for a reason.  Things happen to me, people around me, all the time and I usually don't understand why.  This time everything made sense.  

I realize that none of you understand what I am getting at, so let me explain in case anyone else is like me.  I haven't been single or on my own since my sophomore year of high school.  I have been hoping from person to person, convincing myself that its just because these guys kept popping into my life.  Because I never felt that I was actively searching for someone to be with, I never thought I was one of those girls that HAD to be in a relationship...well I now know I am wrong. The truth is, I have been broken for much longer than I realized.  This is what I realized sitting in my car.  I realized that I had been led to date this amazing young man for a couple of reasons.  One being I needed to understand what it felt like to be treated correctly, and the other being I needed a push back into faith.  I was so into this relationship that I never felt the need to accept other affection from any other young men.  This forced me to not have anyone on my horizon.  Once the relationship ended I didn't have another guy to run to, to avoid my loneliness, I only had myself.  And God.

Some people might think that it has nothing to do with religion.  Some might think it is just another pointless break up.  But I really don't think this was.  This time is helping me to realize that its not that I am unlovable or unworthy, but instead it is God calling me closer towards him.

I have decided that I need a solid break from any relationship that isn't with myself, my friends and family, and God.  I don't know when I will be ready to jump back into dating, but I don't really care.  I am going to hang out more with my friends, find new interests, get passionate about silly things, and focus on my relationship with God.  Through this time I am starting a little series called "The Allysa Chronicles".  I know it might sounds silly, but I kind of like the way it sounds haha.  In those blog posts I am going to write about discoveries that I have made with myself.  Sometimes it may be about religion and sometimes it may not be, it just depends.  I already know some of them are going to be hard to write about, but I think this will really help me.