Hello world.

Hello 2018.

Hello my first post of the year.

Hello bittersweet realizations.

A lot of the things I am about to talk about come from my journal in the picture above.  So I would like to go ahead and begin this post by starting with how these realizations came about.

If anyone reading this also has read my last post, then you may remember that I mentioned finding someone that taught me what it was like to be treated right.  All of those things remain true, but I am no longer dating the young man I was talking about.  

A few days ago he broke it off for reasons that I will keep between him and I, since the entire relationship was between the two of us.  It was very hard for me, I cried, I got angry, and I got confused.  Right after it happened I called my friend Ana Sofia, a woman full of a lot of knowledge and then went over to my friends place.  I could not stand the thought of being alone that night.  The next morning is when reality HIT ME.  This was NOT a gentle discovery, it basically hit me like a truck.  

What I discovered was that I was insanely broken.  In much more ways than a break up from a 3 month relationship.  Of course I knew I could talk to my parents, my friends, and anyone in my family, but for whatever reason I knew deep down, that wasn't going to fix me.  I sat in a christian store parking lot discovering that the only one that could help fix me was God. 

I have been having thoughts that I needed to get back into my faith.  Im not going to lie, a large part of it was finally seeing what it was like to date someone with my similar beliefs.  So as I sat in the parking lot everything began to fall into place.  This break up, me going through yet ANOTHER heart break, was all for a reason.  Things happen to me, people around me, all the time and I usually don't understand why.  This time everything made sense.  

I realize that none of you understand what I am getting at, so let me explain in case anyone else is like me.  I haven't been single or on my own since my sophomore year of high school.  I have been hoping from person to person, convincing myself that its just because these guys kept popping into my life.  Because I never felt that I was actively searching for someone to be with, I never thought I was one of those girls that HAD to be in a relationship...well I now know I am wrong. The truth is, I have been broken for much longer than I realized.  This is what I realized sitting in my car.  I realized that I had been led to date this amazing young man for a couple of reasons.  One being I needed to understand what it felt like to be treated correctly, and the other being I needed a push back into faith.  I was so into this relationship that I never felt the need to accept other affection from any other young men.  This forced me to not have anyone on my horizon.  Once the relationship ended I didn't have another guy to run to, to avoid my loneliness, I only had myself.  And God.

Some people might think that it has nothing to do with religion.  Some might think it is just another pointless break up.  But I really don't think this was.  This time is helping me to realize that its not that I am unlovable or unworthy, but instead it is God calling me closer towards him.

I have decided that I need a solid break from any relationship that isn't with myself, my friends and family, and God.  I don't know when I will be ready to jump back into dating, but I don't really care.  I am going to hang out more with my friends, find new interests, get passionate about silly things, and focus on my relationship with God.  Through this time I am starting a little series called "The Allysa Chronicles".  I know it might sounds silly, but I kind of like the way it sounds haha.  In those blog posts I am going to write about discoveries that I have made with myself.  Sometimes it may be about religion and sometimes it may not be, it just depends.  I already know some of them are going to be hard to write about, but I think this will really help me.