Hello, Hello.  This is the first post in the Allysa Chronicles.  Im a little nervous, because I am about to get realllll personal.  Even if no one new is reading this, what I am about to talk about is very emotional for me, but I need to start somewhere...and this is what makes the most sense.

The first thing I would like to talk about is Forgiveness.  

Forgiveness is by far the hardest thing for me. A part is because when I let people in, when I FINALLY trust a person, nothing is no longer NOT personal.  When someone hurts me it rips me straight to the core.  From relationships to friendships, forgiveness has always been hard for me.  But the only way for me to be able to move on is to publicly address what is hardest for me to forgive.

I will not go into immense detail, because I don't know how to talk about everything well.

I have been sexually assaulted 3 times in my life.  Each time took its toll on me. The first time was when I was 11, the next when I was 12, and then again at 18.  My mind has blocked out memories from two of the incidents, which is what makes talking about this so difficult and scary. 

For years I have tried to understand why these things happen.  Asking over and over, why did this happen to me? Why does it KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?  What have I done to deserve this? Over and over I have asked these questions, and each time I would come up blank.  Being someone that prefers to think logically I could not come up with any reason for why this was happening.  I could not allow myself to accept that I may never understand why these men decided to prey on me.  But I am now coming to this realization.  I need to let it go.

I need to let go, move on, push past these incidents.  I don't have to forget, but I need to move on.  It is the only real way I will be able to work on myself and my relationships.  

So here I go.  I forgive.  I forgive the man in the store, the boy in the computer lab, and the guy I once dated.  I truly forgive all of them.

This was not something I was able to do today, or in just one 24 hour stance.  This has been taking its toll on me for years.  And I finally am able to say that I forgive it all.  

I have allowed these incidents to control me.  I let it affect my attitudes towards men, relationship, and people in general.  I made this a crutch instead of working on it making me stronger.

I have come to understand that for a long time I blamed myself for something that was not my fault.  And once I could no longer take the burden I blamed God.  

I blamed God because it was the only thing that made sense.  If he made this world, why couldn't he have made these things not happen.  But now I can see those thoughts aren't correct even in the slightest.

God created the world to represent his goodness.  Once Adam and Eve ate the apple this allowed for sin to come into the world.  Free will mixed with sin is when bad things happen to good people.  God's design was not for me to feel this pain for all of these years.  I now am understanding that this is not his fault.  People make conscious decisions everyday, whether or not those decisions are good is up to them.  Sin is lead by the devil, and me nearly accepting that it was all God's fault was me falling exactly where the devil wanted me to go. 

After accepting that God is here for me, and wants me to take his hand, I have been able to forgive these boys for what they had done to me.  From here I can allow myself to continue to heal for other reasons.  I have let these incidents be my reason for why I feel worthless, ugly, and unloveable...but not anymore.  Me forgiving is only my first step to coming face to face with all that has broken me.