So this is all random and completely messy, probably won't make a lot of sense...but maybe it will? IDK.

So I am not a very feelsy person, in fact I usually push away any signs of sappy emotions that come my way.

But right now I was just in the mood for some Bon Iver, and suddenly a huge rush of feeling just flooded over me.  Now I'm lost in it and its both comforting and uncomfortable at the same time. 

Currently the song Holocene is playing, if you haven't heard it I recommend it.  To be honest I have no idea what this song is about, I really don't know the lyrics, but its still very pretty.

This kind of music is the type of music that makes you crave a season, you know?  Its the kind of music that you imagine listening to when its really cold outside.  When the wind is so violent that you have to cover your face, like when it is so strong that anyone with curly hair is going to need an industrial brush to get all of the knots out.  The kind of song that makes you leave after your 1 pm class and just get in your car and drive.  When you have no plans, but don't want to be around anyone or doing really anything.  

The kind of song where you just drive until you seem far enough away from everything, but not where you are trying to get away from anything necessarily...you know?  Just somewhere quiet.  The kind of song or music where it both makes you think of everything going wrong, but at the exact same time make you think about how small those problems are without really taking away their meaning.  I guess this all sounds contradicting, but sometimes I guess emotions or feelings are just like that.  

Its the kind of music that forces you to remember the most random of moments.  Sometimes they are specific but sometimes they aren't.  You know that feeling you get when you recognize a smell, but can't really place it...but it is just so familiar and almost comforting.  Its kind of like that.  

I guess what Im saying is that it makes you remember to feel without getting so wrapped up in your feelings and memories.  Kind of like allowing you to remember good, bad, sad, neutral times in the past without dwelling on it.  

I guess lately I have been struggling with some things, but at the same time I push it all away.  And right now this music is letting me feel everything without feeling it too intensely.

But anyways.  It makes me look forward to the fall.  I guess thats not for a while, because in reality the cooler temperatures of fall don't hit San Antonio until late november, but thats okay.  You know those days when suddenly you just want to put on some heels, jeans, and a sweater.  Where you want to put your hair in a messy bun, but the kind of messy bun where you straighten the flyaways.  The day where you want to put on simple make up, but also wear the darkest shade of lipstick you have.  I guess again, you know those days where you a walking/talking juxtaposition.  Where you want to look casual, but a put together kind of casual.  Where you go to a coffee shop or a park, and bring a book without the intent to actually read the book.  Where you really just bring the book to give yourself the chance to do something productive even though you know you are just going to sit in the freezing violent wind and not once look at the book.

This all sounds so pointless, I know that, and maybe even a little unnecessarily deep, but you know the feeling.  Even if none of this really made sense, I know everyone has felt this way before.  

And for whatever reason, I'm feeling it right now and it feels really nice.  

Thats the end of this pointless rant?  Whatever you can call it.  I guess its a little insight on how my brain works.