Hello everyone.  I have no idea who will be reading this in the future, or if it will just be for me to look back on when i'm in a similar situation.  

I have never been super transparent on here, or really to too many people, on the state of my mental health and how I care for it.  But in this day and age I think it is important for people to not feel alone.

Since I was little I have had spells of panic, where I would curl up in a ball and just cry.  Cry about something that I couldn't understand.  When I was 13 years old an incident happened which caused me to have panic attacks daily, only to decrease to a few times a week as the year went on. When I was 14 I finally told my mother about everything going on, because I didn't understand it.  After going to the doctor I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, something I know many people have to deal with.

Years went by and I would ignore the shortness of breath and sweaty palms I would experience regularly.  Finally after years I figured out how to know when a panic attack was coming on and how to control it.

After my freshman year of college after another incident had occurred, I began to spiral, I would have fits of panic and shortness of breath.  My roommate and family noticed that I wasn't acting how I normally would.  For nearly a year I tried to push everything down, I wouldn't tell anyone how I was feeling.  Even being in a relationship at the time, I never said anything.  I would slap a smile on my face and go on with my day.  It wasn't until December of this past year that my anxiety was as bad as it had been when I was 13.  From December up until a few weeks ago I constantly felt anxious, angry and just over all confused about my emotions.  For the past semester, summer, and beginning of the year I had panic attacks, nightmares, difficulty falling asleep, and days where I just really couldn't get out of my room.  

I had started to realize during the summer that it might be a good idea to start going back to therapy, but also the thought of it scared me.  I have been to therapy in the past, but coming face to face with my emotions has always been difficult for me.  But as the semester came around I decided that I could no longer avoid it.

So what is the point of this post?  The point, is that if by the off chance someone comes across this and is going through something similar, to let them know that they aren't alone.  Also, I know that at some point or another I will have times where I am feeling like this again.  

Lately, I have been feeling better.  Of course, I have bad days where I have panic attacks or nights where I wake up from a nightmare, but in general I can feel myself getting better.

 Anyone going through something similar, I really urge going to therapy.  It has taken me a few times, and a going through different therapists, but it really is helping.  Therapy really gives you an outside perspective, which can help you with anything.  Talking to friends and family is important also, but sometimes its good for a trained professional to step in and help you.

Another thing, this summer I was finally able to talk to my cousin about everything going on in my head.  I have no siblings, so my dallas family is the closest I have.  Finally being open with someone in my family again really helped me mentally.  

Another thing I have been trying to do is really balance out how much I'm alone and how much I'm with people.  Because being with people too much allows me to completely avoid whats going on in my head.  But too much alone time is when I start to overthink and overanalyze and just think too much.  So finding this balance has been very important recently.  

I have also been jumping into my hobbies and things I enjoy.  From scrapbooking, to hosting parties, and getting back into running.  All of this has helped me, and could help anyone feeling the same.

I don't know if I have mentioned this on here before, but I am usually the person to hop in and out of relationships.  I used to really fear being alone, or just get lonely very easily.  But for the past 9 months I have forced my self to stay single.  And let me tell you, it has helped so much.  These past 9 months I have really learned how to care for myself.  I am teaching myself how to really love and appreciate everything that I am.  Sometimes it isn't easy.  I have days or weeks where I feel horrible about my physical features, my intellect, or how I am with my friendships.  I know this is normal, but I have been figuring out how to deal with all of this through being alone.  Of course this isn't to say that I DONT want to be in one, of course I do.  I feel like I am at a place where I would finally allow someone to love me and vise versa, but I'm also in no rush.

Though all of these things I have been dealing with everything going on mentally.  I just wanted to be more transparent than I usually am because ya never know when someone will need this.